Random musings from Toby
Welcome to the Rememebrium! Just what the world needs: another curated set of historical memes!
No, this is different, because these are memes and jokes that I say are funny, so there.
By default it should only show clean memes even when searching: you’ll need to work out how to get it to display rude jokes and memes.
You can find the Rememebrium here.
And here are a few SFW examples
Dear John.
I hope you can help me. The other day. I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our
bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbours daughter is 19. We have been married for 1O years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps,
John
Forwarded by Steve Sanderson.
Gilbert. SC.
Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever ‘Eastern European’ scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury’s supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends!
Here’s how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of Eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say ‘No’ and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!
from the internet
The shopping cart is the ultimate litmus test for whether a person is capable of self-governing.
To return the shopping cart is an easy, convenient task and one which we all recognize as the correct, appropriate thing to do
To return the shopping cart is objectively right: There are no situations other than dire emergencies in which a person is not able to return their cart. Simultaneously, it is not illegal to abandon your shopping cart.
Therefore the shopping cart presents itself as the apex example of whether a person will do what is right without being forced to do it.
No one will punish you for not returning the shopping cart, no one will fine you or kill you for not returning the shopping cart, you gain nothing by returning the shopping cart.
You must return the shopping cart out of the goodness of your own heart. You must return the shopping cart because it is the right thing to do Because it is correct.
A person who is unable to do this is no better than an animal, an absolute savage who can only be made to do what is right by threatening them with a law and the force that stands behind it.
The Shopping Cart is what determines whether a person is a good or bad member of society
from the internet
Cashtration
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time
Ignoranus
A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon
It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.
Decafhalon
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido
All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web
Beelzebug
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor
The colour you turn when you discover half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
From the internet.
The “Snake Fight” Portion Of Your Thesis Defence.
Q: Do I have kill the snake?
A: University guidelines state that you have to “defeat” the snake. There are many ways to accomplish this. Lots of students choose to wrestle the snake. Some construct decoys and elaborate traps to confuse and then ensnare the snake. One student brought a flute and played a song to lull the snake to sleep Then he threw the snake out a window.
Q: Does everyone fight the same snake?
A: No You will fight one of the many snakes that are kept on campus in the facilities department.
Q Are the snakes big?
A: We have lots of different snakes. The quality of your work determines which snake you will fight. The better your thesis is, the smaller the snake will be.
Q: Does my thesis adviser pick the snake?
A: No. Your adviser just tells the guy who picks the snakes how good your thesis was.
Q: What does it mean if I get a small snake that is also very strong?
A: Snake-picking is not an exact science. The size of the snake is the main factor. The snake may be very strong, or it may be very weak. It may he of Asian, African, or South American origin. It may constrict Its victims and then swallow them whole, or it may use venom to blind and/or paralyze its prey. You shouldn’t read too much into these other characteristics. Although If you get a poisonous snake, it often means that there was a problem with the formatting of your bibliography.
Q: When and where do I fight the snake? Does the school have some kind of pit or arena for snake fights?
A: You fight the snake in the room you have reserved for your defence. The fight generally starts after you have finished answering questions about your thesis. However, the snake will be lurking in the room the whole time and it can strike at any point. If the snake attacks prematurely it’s obviously better to defeat it and get back to the rest of your defence as quickly as possible.
Q: Would someone who wrote a bad thesis and defeated a large make get the same grade as someone who wrote a good thesis and defeated a small snake?
A: Yes.
Q: So then couldn’t you Just fight a snake in lieu of actually writing a thesis?
A: Technically. yes. But in that case the snake would be very big. Very big, indeed.
Q: Could the snake kill me?
A: That almost never happens. But if you’re worried, just make sure that you write a good thesis.
Q: Why do I have to do this?
A: Snake fighting is one of the great traditions of higher education. It may seem somewhat antiquated and silly, like the robes we wear at graduation, but fighting a snake is an important part of the history and culture of every reputable university. Almost everyone with an advanced degree has gone through this process. Notable figures such as John Foster Dulles. Philip Roth. and Doris Kearns Goodwin (to name but a few) have all had to defeat at least one snake in single combat.
Q: This whole snake thing is just a metaphor, right?
A: I assure you, the snakes are very real.
From the Internet
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: “‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”. The man below replied “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”. “You must be a technician.” said the balloonist. “I am” replied the man “how did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip with your talk.” The man below responded, “You must be in management”. “I am” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the man “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fucking fault!
“How to Write Big Books” by Warren Peace
“The Lion Attacked” by Claude Yarmoff
“The Art of Archery” by Beau N. Arrow
“Songs for Children” by Barbara Blacksheep
“Irish Heart Surgery” by Angie OPlasty
“Desert Crossing” by I. Rhoda Camel
“School Truancy” by Marcus Absent
“I Was a Cloakroom Attendant” by Mahatma Coate
“I Lost My Balance” by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
“Mystery in the Barnyard” by Hu Flung Dung
“Positive Reinforcement” by Wade Ago
“Shhh!” by Danielle Soloud
“The Philippine Post Office” by Imelda Letter
“Things to Do at a Party” by Bob Frapples
“Stop Arguing” by Xavier Breath
Back a few years I was chewing the fat over a beer with RJP and we were talking about the (International) Radiotelephony Spelling Alphabet, as you do. It’s the main way to remove ambiguity in communications that can arise from pronunciation of words or letters. You will have heard it at some point otherwise you are either delta uniform mike bravo or have been living in a charlie alpha victor echo. First letter of the phonetic words is the letter you are trying to convey and none of the words sound the same. Great idea!
It occurred to us that it should be possible to create the exact opposite of the phonetic alphabet – a phonetic alphabet designed to maximise confusion when used to spell out words. We lean heavily on homonyms and silent letters to make the most confusing alphabets. We strictly stick to the rule that the confusing word must start with the letter it represents. Won, kew, eye, etc are all in there.
We rapidly came up with a prototype and there it stayed for a decade or so, but it’s now hit the website as a generator. It will create a confusing phonetic alphabet for you at each refresh. Sprinkled with the official words, if you want! As with most of my generators you can pop a ?help on the end to see what options you have.
One of the first questions to ask a client when starting a risk journey with them is to ask what their Risk Appetite is. Sometimes this is an organisational question and sometimes it is a system based one. But always it is a problem.
These appetites are usually six or so discrete statements which fit onto an intuitive scale. Yeah, right.
Recently a client showed me their risk appetite statements and the thing that immediately stood out was that they had one of the appetites at ‘minimal’ and yet it was not the lowest possible setting. I must admit, I wasn’t expecting to hit a Rule 1 violation with a single word statement, and so the pointlessness of the scale gave us comedy gold.
So, the Risk Appetite Generator was born. As with many of my generators, you can add ?help to find out what settings you can muck about with.
Before you ask, the risk appetites of that client are in the generator.
Look, we all have a bad day sometimes and just need to stay foetal in our pits. ChatGPT is offline and you need an excuse for the day. I can help with that!
You need (you do not need) the Excuse Generator! It’s probably best if you do not actually deploy any of these in a battle situation. If you have seen any of the other generators, you will already know how useless this is.
The UK government is famous for strange and hard to understand protective marking systems.
The Government Protective Marking Scheme (GPMS) gave way to the Government Security Classification (GSC) in 2013.
At first blush, the reduction from six classifications to just three seemed like a good move. But they added caveats and handling instructions and sub-classifications, so that the OFFICIAL tier actually dissolved into a series of winces, shrugs and head-scratching when considering applicable security controls.
In honour of the tenth anniversary of the introduction of the GSC (which, by the way, some government departments and arms length bodies have still not implemented), I present to you the Protective Marking Bingo Generator.
Some people will believe anything, literally anything. People so stupid, it is amazing that they remember to breathe. Sadly, they do still seem to be able to pass the procreation practical exam.
Just in case you know just such a person who believes that the world is flat, or that man has not walked on the moon, here I offer you a conspiracy theory generator.
Obviously, it generates utter bollocks, but you could probably sell these to a newspaper or even hook in a flat earther long enough to delay them reproducing.
BIP39 is a catchy name for a way to make great big long random numbers easier to write down and enter. It emerged from a need to back up the private and public keys associated with crypto currency wallets. Many of the common coins use BIP39.
BIP39 is a set list of 2048 English words which are written down one after the other to make a backup of your crypto currency keys. Not only is the wordlist fixed, but also your key is always exactly 24 words long. The last word is a check word to make sure that the rest are correct.
What makes BIP39 really clever is that although it’s only 24 words long, further extensions to the standard such as BIP32 allow it to be used to deterministically generate not only the keypair but the receive addresses too.
For extra cleverness, because blockchain, you don’t need anything else to recover your worthless crypto tokens, so those 24 word nuggets are pretty awesome.
Ok, that’s BIP39: Smart, no?
We all do stupid things, yes? I was backing up my Chia wallet words and talking with a mate about how much entropy (randomness) there is the BIP39 standard (hint, there is a lot!) and what possibilities might be given the word list size is and we discovered that the word list does just about include some verbs making some stories and sentences just about possible if you squint.
A quick google showed a Rule #34 violation and so it became necessary to write some smut. Bonus points awarded for making the story 24 words long and actually being BIP39 compliant – you can use it in any client that uses BIP39 to (re)generate keys from wallet words in this way.
Here is my first attempt:
gym fit pretty nurse split beef curtain quick index finger plunge front bottom wet slide nest weapon into crack shiver decorate crack nut receive
And if I whack those recovery words into (for example) Goji, we have a real key pair.
Think you can do better? Knock yourself out and let me know! The BIP39 wordlist is here.
You will also need a validator to help you with that last word which contains a checksum. Ian Coleman has a great tool here.
Have fun and for the sake of fuck, do NOT use the keys you generate for anything other than fun – they are essentially worthless as an entropy source, especially if you tell anyone!
Other attempts:
gold hair fantasy girl kiss pole give great head plunge tube steak into amazing ginger box blast nut butter over blouse bird cry clap
lonely young boy huge rigid horn spend all term try two destroy girl crack little success because girl prefer girl action during school shy
It does not all have to be pr0n – see if you can identify these movies:
spoil girl holiday camp family meat nice man fun dance girl two baby trouble doctor dad repair exotic girl dance lift dad proud match
black square box earth monkey evolve rocket travel planet space man machine destroy man lock man outdoor ugly sing scene mind
hard work copper visit wife december party man gun open vault steel gold cream evil man save hundred life man fall outside window winter
We all need a good geeky DNS joke now and again, right? But they seem to be a little rare. Not even a CNAME to a good joke. So here are a few I’ve collected.
Google for DNS jokes. Mine is the best one ever. AAAA records or it never happened. (TS)
I had an issue writing a joke about DNS – It’s resolved. (GM)
Such jokes may be spoofed or result in poisonings. (AC)
All too often I try to be authoritative but find myself being recursive. (AC)
Why would I join in with these DNS jokes? Just because ICANN. (GD)
That seems a bit MXd up. (AC)
This certainly propagated quickly! (MJ)