Random musings from Toby
Welcome to the Rememebrium! Just what the world needs: another curated set of historical memes!
No, this is different, because these are memes and jokes that I say are funny, so there.
By default it should only show clean memes even when searching: you’ll need to work out how to get it to display rude jokes and memes.
You can find the Rememebrium here.
And here are a few SFW examples
Dear John.
I hope you can help me. The other day. I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our
bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbours daughter is 19. We have been married for 1O years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps,
John
Forwarded by Steve Sanderson.
Gilbert. SC.
Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever ‘Eastern European’ scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury’s supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends!
Here’s how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of Eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say ‘No’ and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!
from the internet
Cashtration
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time
Ignoranus
A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon
It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.
Decafhalon
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido
All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web
Beelzebug
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor
The colour you turn when you discover half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
From the internet.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: “‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”. The man below replied “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”. “You must be a technician.” said the balloonist. “I am” replied the man “how did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip with your talk.” The man below responded, “You must be in management”. “I am” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the man “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fucking fault!
There are some really esoteric programming languages out there. Check out the list on Wikipedia here.
One that has always caught my imagination is Whitespace. Essentially it is a fully functional programming language where only the whitespace characters, Space, Tab, Carriage and Line Feed are permitted.
It means that a Whitespace program can be hidden in the source code of a regular program where that program ignores whitespace (most do!)
It does mean that with a 3 bits system we could also use the trinary system to encode and decode text, so that’s what we introduce here!
It’s stupid impractical for real steganographic use and don’t expect complicated online help or even a GUI 😉
A three bit encoding system does also mean that for the ASCII character set, we need 24 trinary bits per three characters , which makes a lot of whitespace!
Here is an example:
' '
One of the first questions to ask a client when starting a risk journey with them is to ask what their Risk Appetite is. Sometimes this is an organisational question and sometimes it is a system based one. But always it is a problem.
These appetites are usually six or so discrete statements which fit onto an intuitive scale. Yeah, right.
Recently a client showed me their risk appetite statements and the thing that immediately stood out was that they had one of the appetites at ‘minimal’ and yet it was not the lowest possible setting. I must admit, I wasn’t expecting to hit a Rule 1 violation with a single word statement, and so the pointlessness of the scale gave us comedy gold.
So, the Risk Appetite Generator was born. As with many of my generators, you can add ?help to find out what settings you can muck about with.
Before you ask, the risk appetites of that client are in the generator.
Some people will believe anything, literally anything. People so stupid, it is amazing that they remember to breathe. Sadly, they do still seem to be able to pass the procreation practical exam.
Just in case you know just such a person who believes that the world is flat, or that man has not walked on the moon, here I offer you a conspiracy theory generator.
Obviously, it generates utter bollocks, but you could probably sell these to a newspaper or even hook in a flat earther long enough to delay them reproducing.
BIP39 is a catchy name for a way to make great big long random numbers easier to write down and enter. It emerged from a need to back up the private and public keys associated with crypto currency wallets. Many of the common coins use BIP39.
BIP39 is a set list of 2048 English words which are written down one after the other to make a backup of your crypto currency keys. Not only is the wordlist fixed, but also your key is always exactly 24 words long. The last word is a check word to make sure that the rest are correct.
What makes BIP39 really clever is that although it’s only 24 words long, further extensions to the standard such as BIP32 allow it to be used to deterministically generate not only the keypair but the receive addresses too.
For extra cleverness, because blockchain, you don’t need anything else to recover your worthless crypto tokens, so those 24 word nuggets are pretty awesome.
Ok, that’s BIP39: Smart, no?
We all do stupid things, yes? I was backing up my Chia wallet words and talking with a mate about how much entropy (randomness) there is the BIP39 standard (hint, there is a lot!) and what possibilities might be given the word list size is and we discovered that the word list does just about include some verbs making some stories and sentences just about possible if you squint.
A quick google showed a Rule #34 violation and so it became necessary to write some smut. Bonus points awarded for making the story 24 words long and actually being BIP39 compliant – you can use it in any client that uses BIP39 to (re)generate keys from wallet words in this way.
Here is my first attempt:
gym fit pretty nurse split beef curtain quick index finger plunge front bottom wet slide nest weapon into crack shiver decorate crack nut receive
And if I whack those recovery words into (for example) Goji, we have a real key pair.
Think you can do better? Knock yourself out and let me know! The BIP39 wordlist is here.
You will also need a validator to help you with that last word which contains a checksum. Ian Coleman has a great tool here.
Have fun and for the sake of fuck, do NOT use the keys you generate for anything other than fun – they are essentially worthless as an entropy source, especially if you tell anyone!
Other attempts:
gold hair fantasy girl kiss pole give great head plunge tube steak into amazing ginger box blast nut butter over blouse bird cry clap
lonely young boy huge rigid horn spend all term try two destroy girl crack little success because girl prefer girl action during school shy
It does not all have to be pr0n – see if you can identify these movies:
spoil girl holiday camp family meat nice man fun dance girl two baby trouble doctor dad repair exotic girl dance lift dad proud match
black square box earth monkey evolve rocket travel planet space man machine destroy man lock man outdoor ugly sing scene mind
hard work copper visit wife december party man gun open vault steel gold cream evil man save hundred life man fall outside window winter