Random musings from Toby
Welcome to the Rememebrium! Just what the world needs: another curated set of historical memes!
No, this is different, because these are memes and jokes that I say are funny, so there.
By default it should only show clean memes even when searching: you’ll need to work out how to get it to display rude jokes and memes.
You can find the Rememebrium here.
And here are a few SFW examples
Dear John.
I hope you can help me. The other day. I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our
bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbours daughter is 19. We have been married for 1O years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps,
John
Forwarded by Steve Sanderson.
Gilbert. SC.
A married couple became famous for not having an argument in 25 years. Local newspaper editors gathered at the occasion to find out the secret to their happy 25 year marriage.
The editor said: “Sir, it’s amazing, impossible. How is this possible?”
The husband began recalling his honeymoon days: “after our honeymoon, we began horseback riding, on different horses. I was lucky to have a gentle, kind-spirited horse.
My wife on the other hand wasn’t so fortunate. She had a crazy horse. As she was riding the horse, the horse began to jump wildly and she fell off. My wife patted the horse on the back, saying ‘this is your first time’ She jumped back on and we continued riding for a while.
Then the horse started acting wildly again, causing my wife to fall off once again. She didn’t lose her cool and patted the horse again, saying ‘this is your second time’.
Once again she hopped on and again, the horse jumped wildly and she fell off. My wife pulled out a revolver and shot the horse dead.
My jaw fell to the ground. ‘What the hell are you doing? Did you just shoot a horse?? What’s wrong with you?!’, I asked her, shocked and bewildered.
She looked at me, ‘this is your first time’.
from the internet
Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever ‘Eastern European’ scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury’s supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends!
Here’s how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of Eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say ‘No’ and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!
from the internet
The shopping cart is the ultimate litmus test for whether a person is capable of self-governing.
To return the shopping cart is an easy, convenient task and one which we all recognize as the correct, appropriate thing to do
To return the shopping cart is objectively right: There are no situations other than dire emergencies in which a person is not able to return their cart. Simultaneously, it is not illegal to abandon your shopping cart.
Therefore the shopping cart presents itself as the apex example of whether a person will do what is right without being forced to do it.
No one will punish you for not returning the shopping cart, no one will fine you or kill you for not returning the shopping cart, you gain nothing by returning the shopping cart.
You must return the shopping cart out of the goodness of your own heart. You must return the shopping cart because it is the right thing to do Because it is correct.
A person who is unable to do this is no better than an animal, an absolute savage who can only be made to do what is right by threatening them with a law and the force that stands behind it.
The Shopping Cart is what determines whether a person is a good or bad member of society
from the internet
Cashtration
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time
Ignoranus
A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon
It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.
Decafhalon
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido
All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web
Beelzebug
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor
The colour you turn when you discover half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
From the internet.
The “Snake Fight” Portion Of Your Thesis Defence.
Q: Do I have kill the snake?
A: University guidelines state that you have to “defeat” the snake. There are many ways to accomplish this. Lots of students choose to wrestle the snake. Some construct decoys and elaborate traps to confuse and then ensnare the snake. One student brought a flute and played a song to lull the snake to sleep Then he threw the snake out a window.
Q: Does everyone fight the same snake?
A: No You will fight one of the many snakes that are kept on campus in the facilities department.
Q Are the snakes big?
A: We have lots of different snakes. The quality of your work determines which snake you will fight. The better your thesis is, the smaller the snake will be.
Q: Does my thesis adviser pick the snake?
A: No. Your adviser just tells the guy who picks the snakes how good your thesis was.
Q: What does it mean if I get a small snake that is also very strong?
A: Snake-picking is not an exact science. The size of the snake is the main factor. The snake may be very strong, or it may be very weak. It may he of Asian, African, or South American origin. It may constrict Its victims and then swallow them whole, or it may use venom to blind and/or paralyze its prey. You shouldn’t read too much into these other characteristics. Although If you get a poisonous snake, it often means that there was a problem with the formatting of your bibliography.
Q: When and where do I fight the snake? Does the school have some kind of pit or arena for snake fights?
A: You fight the snake in the room you have reserved for your defence. The fight generally starts after you have finished answering questions about your thesis. However, the snake will be lurking in the room the whole time and it can strike at any point. If the snake attacks prematurely it’s obviously better to defeat it and get back to the rest of your defence as quickly as possible.
Q: Would someone who wrote a bad thesis and defeated a large make get the same grade as someone who wrote a good thesis and defeated a small snake?
A: Yes.
Q: So then couldn’t you Just fight a snake in lieu of actually writing a thesis?
A: Technically. yes. But in that case the snake would be very big. Very big, indeed.
Q: Could the snake kill me?
A: That almost never happens. But if you’re worried, just make sure that you write a good thesis.
Q: Why do I have to do this?
A: Snake fighting is one of the great traditions of higher education. It may seem somewhat antiquated and silly, like the robes we wear at graduation, but fighting a snake is an important part of the history and culture of every reputable university. Almost everyone with an advanced degree has gone through this process. Notable figures such as John Foster Dulles. Philip Roth. and Doris Kearns Goodwin (to name but a few) have all had to defeat at least one snake in single combat.
Q: This whole snake thing is just a metaphor, right?
A: I assure you, the snakes are very real.
From the Internet
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: “‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”. The man below replied “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”. “You must be a technician.” said the balloonist. “I am” replied the man “how did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip with your talk.” The man below responded, “You must be in management”. “I am” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the man “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fucking fault!
“How to Write Big Books” by Warren Peace
“The Lion Attacked” by Claude Yarmoff
“The Art of Archery” by Beau N. Arrow
“Songs for Children” by Barbara Blacksheep
“Irish Heart Surgery” by Angie OPlasty
“Desert Crossing” by I. Rhoda Camel
“School Truancy” by Marcus Absent
“I Was a Cloakroom Attendant” by Mahatma Coate
“I Lost My Balance” by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
“Mystery in the Barnyard” by Hu Flung Dung
“Positive Reinforcement” by Wade Ago
“Shhh!” by Danielle Soloud
“The Philippine Post Office” by Imelda Letter
“Things to Do at a Party” by Bob Frapples
“Stop Arguing” by Xavier Breath
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Dive into the heart of the Post Office Horizon IT scandal with our Strapline Showdown. We’re hunting for the sharpest, most fitting slogan that nails the essence of the UK’s embattled ‘postal’ ‘service’. Can you distil their dilemma into a pithy phrase?
Your mission: Forge a strapline that’s spot-on, captivating, and cuts right to the truth about the Post Office. Up for grabs? £500 in cash, no strings attached! Remember, wit alone won’t win it – your entry must hit home with our readers, as they’ll be choosing the top slogan.
But wait, there’s more – a Brucie bonus, if you will. If any former executive, from Paula Vennells down, who is eventually charged with a criminal offence, we’ll add £100 to the prize pot. If any are jailed? That’s an extra £500. And if any of them loses their home? We’ll throw in £1,000, whoopee for old testament justice.
Keep it clean, though – flooding us with entries or manipulating the vote will backfire. Play fair or the second-best entry might just snatch your prize.
The winning entry does more than boost your bank balance; it becomes a battle cry, emblazoned on t-shirts with tee-shirt sales proceeds aiding the affected sub postmasters. Seize this chance to stir the pot and perhaps shift the narrative surrounding one of the UK’s most untrusted brands.
Ready to deliver the ultimate Post Office takedown? Get creative and send us a strapline that might just rewrite postal history!”
Here is one to start you off: Post Office: the most corrupt organisation west of the Tiber river.
Voting instructions and closing date to be published here in due course! Get your thinking hats on! Don’t use ChatGPT unless you admit it on the submission form! Use your real name on the submission as we will ask for ID to give you the prize! Small print and privacy policy link at the bottom of the post!
Royal Mail and the Post Office didn’t fully separate until 2012 and this scandal dates back to 1999, so feel free to use Royal Mail or Post Office in your slogan!
On a more serious note. the Met police have now started to investigate Post Office (and presumably Fujitsu Services, Loveless Road, Bracknell, RG12 8SN) for fraud. If you have anything that may help the prosecution, please get in touch with the Metropolitan police or perhaps the JFSA would be happy to put you in touch with an organisation that can help you! I imagine they would especially like to hear from any Fujitsu employees that worked here at BRA01.
The privacy policy specific to the competition is here. Competition small print: don’t be a dick! Our decision is final. If you cannot provide ID to match the name you used, the money will go to the next placed entrant. We may use your winning slogan for anything we want, and you give us permission to do that, so there.